Have you ever come to a point when you just realize that no matter what you do and how hard you try, you will never be enough?
I am not saying I am perfect, I have flaws too. In fact, I might have a lot. But so are other people...and yet I don't take their imperfections against them. Yes I get angry when they come at fault, but it's normal. But what's not normal is when you commit a mistake and people hold on to that mistake of yours as if all those good things you did in the past have been erased. And what hurts the most is when they keep on reminding you of what you did wrong just to get away for what they have been doing wrong.
Do you know that I am so good at pretending? I pretend that everything's alright when it's not. I pretend to be okay when in fact I am falling apart. But I get tired too. And now I am just so tired all I want to do is sleep. Sleep is my escape you know. Because when I am awake, I keep on thinking about a lot of things. Mainly about the things I did wrong and failed to do. Believe it or not, I see myself as a big failure. And I use it to justify the way some people treat me. When they did me wrong, i'd be like, "It's because it's my fault...it's because I am not enough...it's because I am like this, and I am lacking on a lot of things." It's always my fault, and that I deserve to be treated this way.
I'm so tired and so hurt, I can't even cry. All I know now is that things that would go wrong WILL ALWAYS BE my fault. So tell me, is there anything else I can do? I just want to curl up on my bed and do nothing. I'm scared to do something wrong because they will do something wrong in return and in the end, I'd be blamed.
If you're reading this (though I'm pretty sure nobody's going to because it's too emo), then you'd probably be saying, "but she always looks so happy with all her makeup/food/whatever posts." Then again, I'm gonna remind you that I am so good in pretending. You have no idea how broken I am and how lonely I feel.
I'm so sorry about this post. I just need to let this all out. It's not even everything that I wanted to say actually. But I just need to breathe. I feel so messed up. I am running out of reasons why I still need to be here. I think I am better off alone. I think people around me will be better off without me.
I know some people have it worse...but please, pray for me.
I need it badly.
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9 comments:
Trust me I know how you feel, I know how it feels like being taken for granted and being blamed for it. How it feels like no matter how much you do, efforts and adjustment you make it always feel like it is never enough. I've been crying myself to sleep every night for close to a year now, every moment I am awake, I can't stop thinking and I just feel like crying, be it at work, in the metro and yes sometimes I wish I can just sleep forever and that when I wake up it's all gone. Sometimes I ask myself what is wrong with me? How come other people who commit mistakes no matter how small or big it is can get away like nothing happened? But with me when I do something no matter how small, its like all the good things I've done vanish to nothingness. I feel so small and worthless. But dont make that hinder you from seeking the happiness you deserve, easier said than done I know but you know, whenever I feel so down, I pray, I lift all my worries to Him and just have faith that in the end everything will be alright. It may not be the instant solution and I wont feel better immediately after but still knowing and believing that God is always here by our side comforts me. What im saying is that its ok to dwell and feel the pain til it hurts no more but dont give up. Keep aiming to be good. each one of us is a blessing to other. Make each day count. Whatever it is you are going through I hope and pray that it gets better in time. In God's time.
OMG Jenisse you don't know how much it means to me that you took time to comment on my post. You don't know me, well maybe you read my blog but just about it...I have friends whom I am actually expecting to comment here or at least send me a message but sadly, they didn't. :(
anyway, we are in the same boat. I feel exactly the same way. everyday, from the moment I wake up, I look forward to sleeping again. I am just so hurt with all that's happening, I just want to go back to sleep and stop thinking and stop my hurting. I've been praying so hard for more strength..and that time will come i'd go beyond this state. again thank you sis...it means a lot to me.
Whatever it is that's hurting you, remember that you are not alone. You can talk to someone like a close friend, or a loved one so that they can give you advice. I also feel so alone sometimes, but crying or maybe watching a sad movie helps, and then I also pray. I also remember that it'll be better soon. Hope that you'll get through everything that's keeping you down. God bless! :-)
thank you Juvy. I am still under a dark cloud and everyday is still a struggle. I find it harder each day to continue hiding behind a mask, but I will try harder.
Salamat talaga sis.
Bad things happen to good people. This I've learned so many times in my life. But hold on and always remember that no matter how dark and forlorn you may feel, it will all come to pass. I've been there too and I've asked over and over when will my suffering end but I was able to survive. Just keep holding on and when you get through whatever it is, you will emerge a better and stronger person, trust me. Keep the faith and take one day at a time. My prayers are with you.
Hi! cheer up, pretty! Somehow, i feel what your going thru. I think everyone has this episode at one time or another. Sometimes, life gets the best of us. We are either too tired or too numb to untangle from the web life threw right at us. But the good news is, you will get through it. Your happier self will look back and smile at the misery you have been through. You are one smart beautiful lady to be knocked down. I believe you have the courage in you to overcome and make your mark wherever you choose to be. *besos y abrasos
Hi Brigitte! You are actually one of the bloggers I feel who is very honest and funny..and actually kind hearted. Please don't let your "shortcomings" define you. Whatever you're going through always remember it shall pass. Sending you my virtual hugs. I am also going to include you in my prayers.
Hi Brigitte! You are actually one of the bloggers I feel who is very honest and funny..and actually kind hearted. Please don't let your "shortcomings" define you. Whatever you're going through always remember it shall pass. Sending you my virtual hugs. I am also going to include you in my prayers.
thanks Maita , Shariffa and Camille..I really appreciate your kind words. I'm still struggling these days but knowing that there are people who are praying for me and still wants the best for me, it makes me feel I am not alone after all.
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